child, death, Grief, loss, Parents, Uncategorized

I miss my son

An Unnatural Order

I miss his wit, his smile, his laugh, his compassion, his strength. I miss his phone calls, his voice. I miss being his mom. I will never learn to live life without him. I will always feel cheated out of every moment he is not with us, being a part of our day, creating more memories. I still try to live a life – but it just doesn’t feel right, he is still missing from that life. I try to make myself numb, to just not feel, but that only lasts for so long and then it hits. I know … Continue reading I miss my son

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Sleepless

An Unnatural Order

Sleep – for most people it is something that comes easy. They go to bed at a certain time at night and just fall asleep. Or they go to bed and to sleep when they are feeling tired – and they sleep. I haven’t been able to do that in 3 years and nine months – sleep is not something that comes easily, it usually doesn’t come at all, which really seems strange because most days I would love to sleep the day away – and forget. During the day I am faced with triggers everywhere, it doesn’t matter where … Continue reading Sleepless

child, death, Grief, loss, Parents, Uncategorized

To everything,there is a season

An Unnatural Order

Autumn – I used to love the change from summer to fall. Now as the days grow shorter, the leaves start changing – it just makes me sad, sad and so tired. It just reminds me of the changes that started in the fall of 2014. It reminds me of everything fading, becoming w eaker, and then dying. How hard we tried to make things better, brighter. Funny how something as beautiful as the leaves changing can make me feel so exhausted …. I get so tired, grief is exhausting! There are times I have wished I could just go … Continue reading To everything,there is a season

child, death, Grief, loss, Parents, Uncategorized1 Comment

What do you say?

An Unnatural Order

I had gotten word that an  old coworkers son had passed. I wanted to reach out, but just couldn’t find the words. All I could put in the message to her was – I am sorry for your loss…… such a generic thing to say. The truth is that I wanted to tell her that all the things she will hear, things like it will be better in time, he is in a better place, you will find closure  – it’s all crap, there is no truth to any of it. I wanted to tell her that no matter how … Continue reading What do you say?

child, Grief, loss, Parents, Uncategorized

Today there is no pretending

An Unnatural Order

Mother’s Day is so hard. Some days you can pretend all of your children are safe….that they are just around the corner, But Mother’s Day reminds you…it reminds you of the terrible empty space, it reminds you that you didn’t do what you needed as a mom to keep your child well and safe. On Mother’s Day – it is right there- there is no pretending. I love that I got to spend the afternoon with my oldest son, and my daughter in law – I love that I will get to spend time with my daughter and her babies…..that … Continue reading Today there is no pretending

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Give yourself some Love

An Unnatural Order

As a parent that has lost a child, I have gotten used to dark days and darker days. Days where I wonder how I am still surviving. I did not see myself being here three years later, I did not think I would live through losing my youngest son. Bill wasn’t one to give up – I know it is him that gives me what I need to keep going on. My mind knows that my son has died., but, deep in my heart it is still unbelievable. No parent should ever have to go through this kind of pain! … Continue reading Give yourself some Love

child, Grief, loss, Parents, Uncategorized

Thank you

An Unnatural Order

Feb. 8th – today marks three years since I lost my son. I do not remember today to celebrate his death – there will be no more memories to share.  That last day we were together, we went on errands, we talked, and we laughed – the simple things we all take for granted. There were the last phone calls – the last words spoken, the last text sent, how could I not remember those last moments. This year I was blessed with a wonderful trip, with wonderful friends that gave me an opportunity to distract myself, they didn’t know what a lifeline they were being  – I could pretend … Continue reading Thank you

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Stand by

An Unnatural Order

  Over the last few days I have seen numerous posts  about how hard it is to see Facebook memories. I could have posted a couple of them myself this week….. it has been a tough couple of days with a lot of triggers. The last 48 hours I have cried with moms and dads that are faced with the worst of days, birthdays, angel dates….and I have had moms and dads cry with me over memories that will never be…. helping me to get through the sleepless nights. I know for me, this time of the year seems to be a little bit harder. … Continue reading Stand by

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Home

An Unnatural Order

Home sweet home….they say home is where the heart is. So what if your heart has pieces missing – what if it is broken so badly and spread in so many directions – you just don’t know where home is? Home, the place you belong. But what if you can’t find that place you belong in – what happens when the reality shatters the myth of happily ever after? What happens when one day something happens that rips the bottom right out from beneath you,  and you just don’t know where your place is any more? When you are torn … Continue reading Home

Grief, loss, Parents, Uncategorized

Remember that time?

An Unnatural Order

There is never a time I don’t miss my son, never a moment when I don’t  think about him. I am blessed with beautiful, gifted people in my life that help me remember that he is right here with me, guiding me, still connected, just not in his earthly form. It helps knowing that, it brings me brief seconds of peace. But there are these moments, when a  simple Facebook memory reminds me that just three years ago today, me, my son and his son were out having dinner, out shopping together – before they went off to spend their weekend together. And it strikes me again … Continue reading Remember that time?